The beginning of letting go…

22 Aug

Today was Taylor’s first day of Pre-k. I have been approaching this day, one of the HUGE firsts, with such apprehension. For the past four years, this little girl has only been out of my sight when she has been with a family member. Today, I had to leave her in the hands of strangers. I cannot begin to describe the whirlwind of confusing emotions I had churning inside of me, but I can name them. Pride. Doubt. Wonder. Sadness. Happiness. Fear. Love. Terror. Joy.

Taylor has been so excited about starting school. I know she is going to be just like me. I loved going to school and, even now, I love learning. We have been counting down the days on my desk calender and she was so excited last night I was amazed that she went to sleep as quickly as she did. Daniel did not have to leave for work super early so we were all able to go together to see her off on her first day. We walked in the building and while I signed her in Daniel and Jr. took her to the classroom to get settled in. She found her cubby right away, impressing her daddy and he came back out to me so I could go say bye while he took care of Daniel Jr. I went in and gave her a hug and pointed out a little girl she had met at the open house. Before leaving, I grabbed the sign they had made for me to use at pick up time and gave Taylor one last kiss. Before leaving the building I couldn’t help myself and had to sneak back a couple of times to peek in on her and, while she was very timid about approaching the other little kids, she wasn’t looking for me.

She wasn’t looking for me. Wow. There’s that sadness again.

I finally made it out to the parking lot and Daniel helped me get Jr. loaded up before he had to make his way to work. I pulled out of the parking lot before he did and it was a good thing too because he said one lady made it to the parking lot and lost it. I told him that if I had seen her lose it I probably would have lost it myself. The first time I really started to tear up is when Daniel Jr. and I went to Wal-Mart to pick out a present for him. As I was walking in I realized, oh my God, I am at the store with ONE child.

Today marked the beginning of letting go. She’s not my baby girl anymore. Even though I am so excited to be a witness to her growing into a beautiful woman. I miss my baby.

How did she get to be so big? I remember sleeping all night with her on my chest… breathing in her baby breath, feeling her heartbeat and soaking in the smoothness of her skin. Yesterday I was talking to Daniel and I was thinking back to the day when we were decorating her nursery and wondering what her voice was going to sound like. Now, I know all too well what her voice sounds like and my house is eerily silent without her here.

2:30 cannot come quickly enough today. I cannot wait to go get my baby and ask her about her day.

 

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2 Responses to “The beginning of letting go…”

  1. Deanna August 27, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    Awwww, Rosie. I remember those days. I felt a though I was having a panic attack when I would drop them off. Katelyn has always had some separation anxiety issues and she would cry when I left her. I remember going out and sitting in my car and just bawling when I would drop her off. How did the rest of the week go?

    • Rosangela Viana September 3, 2011 at 12:39 am #

      She did great the first couple of days. She cried a bit on Wednesday and Thursday and was back to no tears by Friday. We jsut finished week two with no tears and I think we are really getting into a routine with it.

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